Tag: personal growth

Reflection Prompt

Here’s a reflection prompt, culled from evolutionary astrology forecasts and inspired for use in the iterative processes through which we create our mindscapes. You are encouraged to explore your current experience within the context that your mind is working in (the astrological weather) and to engage your unique being (the soul) here in this time and place.

The time period of the days around a new moon times are especially good for connecting to your inner voice and planting thought-heart seeds for things that you would like to manifest.

We meet an Aries new moon on April 15.

The vibe of Aries, the archetype of the person putting stuff in action, invites the spark that gets stuff started. Let yourself into yourself, listen inside to what your inner voice says is beginning and/or different from before.

You’ll know what it is when you hear it.

The past few weeks have been full of expanding in the dark places–shining light in the deep deep. Perhaps you’ve expanded into a deeper role and expression of your being. And to do so, something shifted. So the beginning/difference might mean that you gave up a lot, and you are learning to do without. It’s a new experience. Or maybe you gained a lot. It’s a new experience.

REFLECTION PROMPT: What is the next-level you gonna do now?  What does this version of you need to hear? 

April 13, 2018

 

Who am I?

Earlier this year, I went on a vacation that was designed to push me beyond my known boundaries of my self concept. I have envisioned myself as a strong independent woman. I identify as a self sufficient person. But I am not sure if I am strong enough in other ways. So I went because I wanted to know: Who am I other than a strong, independent woman? 

The vacation was a retreat called Dance Beyond, held at the Eagle’s Nest, a retreat center near San Marcos La Laguna in Guatemala. People from all over the world converged for a week of ecstatic dance, yoga, and self exploration. I arrived there, wondering if I would fit in. I knew a few faces from New York City—where I go regularly to do ecstatic dance—but I didn’t “know” know anyone who was in Guatemala.

The structure of the retreat helped guide us in our self exploration. We were asked: Who am I? Who am I in relation to others? Who am I in relation to community? I instantly hit some shit: I was uncomfortable. I felt out of place. I was surprised that I felt out of place in a community that encouraged acceptance. I showed up at a place where no one knew me well and I was afraid of not being accepted. This is not the way a strong, independent woman would think. Who was I, then?

The week progressed. I was taken aback by the realization that we all had arrived with such high levels of personal risk: we all risked venturing farther away from our known and comfortable concepts of self. I realized how special the community was.

The retreat facilitators encouraged us to move in rhythm on and off the dance floor. Respond to each other as if in a dance. Respect each others’ journey of self exploration that was happening. Could I dance beyond the strong, independent woman self concept? Could I dance with anyone at all? That is, if I wasn’t feeling strong and independent, who am I? I felt frozen with the questions in my mind. I felt stiff in my body. I felt cut off from others by being cut off from different selves in me. So I resolved to just continue to show up mentally and ground any physical sensations by sending them out through my feet back to the earth.

When I had danced at events before the retreat, I usually danced alone. It’s how I was used to dancing.

But–

as I moved and grooved to the smoove beats by the banging DJs spinning global bass and dreamy electronica on the stage overlooking Lake Atitlan, I started to feel soft in my body. I learned that I liked learning to dance with others.

I embodied those feelings into words, finding language to say that I am strong enough to survive as an independent woman in the world, but what I need is the ability to be soft as an independent woman in the world. I realized that having a need for emotional self sufficiency was in direct conflict with my need to take social risks.

I realized the challenge I had to dance out was this: let myself be something I don’t feel like I am. Allow the conversation to happen. Be comfortable when I am not comfortable. Let that conversation happen in movementThe dancing at the retreat became my space to explore where I open up, and become soft, and where I keep the boundaries, and stay a little hard, so I didn’t lose myself. This movement conversation was so revealing to me: I listened to my body. I learned that when I move to respond, to meet someone else, I make graceful movements. I feel soft. And no one knew the difference (or judged me) like I do–when I wasn’t graceful. Or “right.” Or comfortable. And none of that was “wrong.” It’s like in a performance, when you make a mistake and you realize it but no one in the audience knows.  So I started to let the judgment go.

And when I danced there in Guatemala, sometimes by myself, sometimes engaging others, I was able to stay out of my mind (which would start to think Am I doing this right? Should I be dancing like this? Are they going to accept me?). As the week went on, I couldn’t stop dancing. The group couldn’t stop dancing. Whether it was at a restaurant in town, or doing dishes, or at the airport at the very end: We couldn’t stop dancing with each other. We moved as individuals and as a community that had, over the course of a week, was instant and eternal. We all took the personal risk to dance beyond.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? It’s one question, but I have three answers: I am an independent woman who is softly strong and brutally soft at the same time. I am truly myself when I show up for myself. I am a person who can chose who I want to be and dance through the world the way I want to dance.

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